


Institutionalization

by SaintOfLosAngeles



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 10:41:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintOfLosAngeles/pseuds/SaintOfLosAngeles
Summary: Tommy's first hug after being released from prison.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	Institutionalization

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another tumblr touch starved prompt! Yay!

Freedom. 

It felt… wrong. 

Tommy was slowly coming to the realization of exactly how much his time in prison had fucked him up, and this was a prime example. He was in his regular clothes, and they felt unnatural against his skin, too soft, too comfortable. Not itchy enough. They hung off his already skinny frame even more than when he had stepped foot into this god forsaken place months ago.

He felt twitchy, almost manic and he was worrying himself if he was being honest. He saw the look in Nikki's eyes through the plexiglass windows every time he came to visit, saw the worry and sadness written all over the older man's face as the bassist kept his voice low and whispered how much he missed holding him at night.

That's what got Tommy through, honestly. There's only so much talking to cockroaches and counting the pinpoint holes in the ceiling tiles that one can do before starting to grow concerned about their own mental sanity. Other than the one time a week he was allowed to see Nikki, his favorite times of the day were meal times, even though he rarely ate the food, a guard still slipped him the tray through the opening in his door, and some of the guards would even speak to him for a moment before moving on to the next inmate.

A week before his release, Tommy really started to lose it. The isolation was too much, he didn't see how it was humane to keep someone in the "hole" this long, even if it was "for their own protection." He would pace the floor back and forth, back and forth to the point that he was shocked the floor didn't wear down. 

He craved sensation, any kind of sensation. He missed the feeling of another person beside him, touching him. He missed seeing any other sight other than these 4 dingy yellow brick walls that seemed to close in on him more and more each day. He missed hearing the sounds of Nikki's bass from their shared music room, or  _ any _ sound other than the violent screams and catcalls of other isolated inmates. In his frustration he began unconsciously clawing his arms, tugging his hair, rocking back and forth. Every time he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror he shuddered. He looked like an honest to god  _ nutcase _ .

By the time his release date rolled around, Tommy thought he'd be lucky if he got out of here without being shipped off to a psychiatric hospital first. 

But, nevertheless, the day came, and the relief that Tommy had expected to feel just wasn't there. At least in prison he knew that each day was going to bring. 

_ Wake up, talk to self, breakfast, pace, lunch, pace, dinner, try to corner a cockroach and make it a pet, lights out, lay in bed, toss and turn, fall asleep, wake up in a panic, oh shit, just a nightmare, back to sleep. Repeat.  _

What had even been going on out there while he was away? Did Nikki miss him? Nikki had never missed a visit, and never failed to tell the drummer that he would be out and back in his arms soon, but did Nikki really mean it? Was Nikki fucking someone else while he was stuck in here? Could he blame Nikki if he was?

Too many thoughts raced through Tommy's head as he stepped out of the jail's lobby doors, eyes squinting against the harsh light of the sun. He wasn't used to the sunlight, the isolation rooms had no windows, and sometimes when he looked at the clock he struggled to figure out if it was AM or PM.

The California breeze felt good against his skin, and the air smelled fresh and clean, unlike the harsh smell of industrial cleaner and sweaty inmates that he had grown so accustomed to. 

His gaze settled on a teased mess of black hair and his heart stuttered in his chest. Nikki was leaning against his jet black car, hand over his mouth looking all like he was going to cry and, fuck, was  _ he _ gonna cry?

This was the first time in months that he had seen his boyfriend with no barrier between them, and fuck- his eyes looked so much greener without the plexiglass there to dull them, and Tommy finally felt a sense of gratefulness to be out of that hellhole. 

Nikki was stepping toward him then, leaving only an inch of space between them. Tommy blinked rapidly in a pathetic attempt to dispel his emotions as he took in the bassist's watery smile and shining green eyes.

And then Nikki was reaching up, his hand brushing against Tommy's cheek and that was it, that was all Tommy could take before he was sobbing, falling forward into his lover's waiting arms, sobbing out months of frustration and loneliness. 

Nikki's arms tightened around him and Tommy felt lightheaded at just how  _ new _ this all felt. He had forgotten what it was like to held, what it was like to be loved. This experience had broken him, and he knew deep down that Nikki would be the only one capable of putting him back together. But not for a while. For now, Tommy was shattered and he didn't know how many months or years that it would take for him to recover.

He could feel Nikki's tears dripping onto his neck as he shook in his arms, and could tell Nikki was trying to keep his voice as steady as he could when he whispered, "You okay, Tom?"

Nikki was clearly concerned about the silent sobbing, trembling hands, and strangled breaths but Tommy didn't want to answer that question, not really, so he settled with: "I think I forgot what human contact felt like."

Nikki wanted so badly to scoop Tommy up, put him in the car and take him home, but upon hearing the drummer's tear filled confession he decided that he was going to stay right here, holding this  _ too skinny  _ man in his arms until the shaking stopped. He couldn't think of more unromantic place than a prison parking lot, but right now, he would have swam across oceans to get to where he was.

Tommy may be only feet away from the cold, outdated prison that had housed him for the past few months, but the second he stepped into Nikki's arms, he was home again.


End file.
